November 1, 2008

He said I wasn’t worth the wait, and I realized he wasn’t worth the rush
He wasn’t worth taking the steps to get closer to but I took the leap into the shallow end of the pool and got stuck, I fell to my knees hurt and displeased because again I fell short of my own self worth.

Ashamed, scared and hurt, I look down my dark path and see me again hitchhiking loves rode my thumb out to the next passerby rolling up slow and I watch myself making the same mistake as before, entering in on the passenger side and letting someone else guide my life, allowing a him to be my driver

Not picking or choosing how I’m getting to my next destination and he veers me off my chosen course and I sit there in the seat next to him, cheesing like a dummy as he throws insults and hurts at me and drops me off in the dirt and I have to walk back to get the place where I am me again, and again I stick that thumb out there until the next pretty ride drives up slow and he pulls me in with a hello full of bass and a smile I cant erase from my mind.

Eventually the me I love inside myself will save me from myself before I lose myself to another him with bad intentions and thoughts of getting some head on his brain. But again maybe the need to want love and feel love from someone that can hold me and make me feel safe, will again replace the desire for me to take my time and not rush into something with someone who only can throw out one liners and laugh at his own crappy jokes.

Damn his smile, what the hell is up with my thumb

Round Two

March 17, 2008

I followed up Mr. Compassionate and Sensitive, with Mr. Spiritually Connected. He was wonderful, how he glorified the lord and used the bible to subdue me. He honored and respected me, or so I thought.
He never used the traditional ways to woe me. He played the game and mind over mattered me, had me second guessing me, doubting the reality of me, how he played me. This man of god betrayed me and battled the demons in me. Almost got the best of me, and tried to take the rest of me. But he doesn’t understand how God blesses me, how he has a hand in dealing with and trying me. So I left what this man had of me, in the best and worst parts of me, and walked on to the new me, shedding like the snake he is and blooming in my own garden of Eden, my own heaven on earth. And walking into Mr. Honesty.